Thursday, August 12, 2010

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,
It's been 8 years today since the day u died. Even as I write these words out, I can hardly believe it. I can hardly believe I was able to go on after u were so suddenly taken away from us. I replay the events of that day over and over again and to date, it was the worst day of my life. I kick myself for not spending every second with u that I could have, that I took for granted. Over the years I have grown so much and have matured in a way I never thought possible and I want u to see me now, I wish u could see me as a woman - not the difficult young girl I once was. Everyone tells me that I am ur carbon copy now. I can't think of a greater honor or success for my life and can only pray that is the truth. U were such a shining star - so amazing and so loving. Even now, I've never met anyone like u. Everyone flocked towards ur energy, ur charisma, charm and grace and I get it now - I understand why and how. I wish u were here with me now. We would be the best of friends - even better than we were because... only now do I or CAN I understand the struggles and triumphs u had as a woman and a mother. You were a full time mother and held a full time job as well as went to school at night. How u did it, I have no idea. U never showed us anger or frustration and always gave any time u had with us freely and creatively. How you brought two babies (Moni and I) over to America from India by urself - I have no idea. All my memories of u are of u smiling and laughing even through the worst of our times and challenges. You were such an amazing woman that I can only dream to be one tenth of the woman and mother u were. I miss u so very much - I miss ur contagious laugh, your radiant smile, your beautiful voice, your sweet smell and your warm embrace. I miss talking with u about everything and laughing about anything. Whenever I am in the mall, I make it a point to go by your perfume and smell it to just take you in. I've saved all ur bottles, all ur clothes, everything I can manage to hold onto. I hold onto pieces of u when I cook ur classic dishes u always made for us. I can feel u with me when I rub a piece of ur jewelry I  wear and remember how beautiful u looked with it on. When I hear ur favorite songs, everything around me comes to a standstill and i just smile and sing along remembering how u would do so when you were with me. I believe in these moments, u are with me.... speaking to me. That's all I have left. I wish I could hug u again and take u in. I wish u were here.... I wish u could see my beautiful babies and get down on the floor with them and one day wrestle with them the way u did with Moni and me. I know the rest of my life will continue to be a journey of healing over ur loss. You were a slice of history and I carry ur spirit with me and hope I make u proud. I tell my babies about u all the time and hope they have ur energy and blessings. When I stop to think of u, I can feel u smiling down on me. I aspire to be ur very essence - the woman u were, the compassion u had, the love u gave, the kindness u showed. I miss u dearly......
Love, your Candle.

Me and momma in India
Me and Moni (my brother) in India

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